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being born again, darkness, light, love, pain, peace, sanctification, sin, spiritual power, the new self
During the last weeks I have been going through severe spiritual sufferings while God poured His light into my spirit and soul.
As I had reached the (what I thought to be the) bottom of all pain, I knew I was dying. Indeed, it was my SELF that was fiercely struggling to survive, yet God “won”. Oh, dying is a very lonesome affair!!!
At the very painful bottom of it all, I saw that I had no real trust in God because I had projected all my negative experiences with men on Him. Furthermore, I didn’t want to pray any more, I didn’t want to do God’s will any longer, and last but not least, I didn’t want to do my own will any more, either. To perceive such an apparent contradiction was a very strange experience, indeed.
While beforehand God’s light had felt like thousand knives in my heart that would cut me into tiny hurting pieces, there was a day when I finally felt that God took my whole heart out of me and began to squeeze it like a lemon. That was the most painful experience I ever made in my life!!! Being killed by God… That’s horrible!!!!!
To be more precise, it was not one moment of dying, it has been a process. Day after day God led me into situations of which I truly know how I normally reacted in the past. Facing these situations, I initially felt the same feelings I had been used to (anger, fear, panic, impatience, jealousy, sadness, etc.). But suddenly God released those feelings that had kept me imprisoned for all my life and – lo and behold – the feelings were GONE.
Where did they go? I don’t know… But Susanne was stunned. π
It is the same when human beings are confronted with physical death, particularly if they are not prepared to die. At first they are angry (mad at God if they believe in Him) and they rebel against their fate; all negativity that might have been kept under tight wraps before is eventually disclosed.
Before the eyes of our Creator we are always naked. We are born naked and when we die we have no “clothing” to offer, either. There is nothing left for a human being than to go through that painful process and to eventually say, “Yes, I give in.”
And that is what I have been increasingly able to do [only due to His help of course!], that is, letting go of my own expectations of how and when things should happen in my view. More and more, a quiet and restful foundation underneath it all begins to gleam through some not so painful feelings that are still spinning around.
“For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.” (Rom 6:5-8 ESV)
“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.” (1 Pt 4:1-2 ESV)
And from that point on when we have died to self, perfect peace and freedom for the soul set in. Also, continual joy and unconditional love result from enjoying Christ’s resurrection life in our mortal bodies. That kind of peace and joy cannot be compared with anything we might have experienced before. Indeed, instead of anxiousness and worrying, which both die in that process, an unshakeable gratefulness toward God becomes part of our whole being and His peaceful light floods the whole body as well. Not only our hearts and minds feel at peace, no – now, His peace surpasses ALL understanding. Eternally – and despite outer circumstances.
“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:5-7 ESV)
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Cor 5:17 ESV)
Susanne,
You wrote, ” Facing these situations, I initially felt the same feelings I had been used to (anger, fear, panic, impatience, jealousy, sadness, etc.). But suddenly God released those feelings that had kept me imprisoned for all my life and β lo and behold β the feelings were GONE.” YES!!! To be free of anxiety and to be thankful to God in all things.. this is entering into God’s rest for sure! But oh the labor we go through (labor pains and contractions) we go through to enter into that rest!!! “But faithful is He that calls you for He will also do it!” Yes HE will and HAS done it!
Good to hear that you have had this wonderful break through where those old wounds that were in your life are healed and the triggers that dominated your way of reacting are losing their power, dear sister!!! It is IN HIM that we live and move and have our being.” It is so wonderful to live and be free to do so!!!
Love you in Him,
Michael
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Thanks so much for this comment, Michael. π
Oh yes, it is a miracle when those contractions, or (spiritual) birth pangs, are fading and our view of life drastically changes because the past, finally, is – GONE. In fact, ALL of it has been His work. BEING born from above – isn’t it a passive process despite the pain we must endure?
Love you in our Eternal Lover,
Susanne
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Yes, it is ALL His doing. It is not the baby that is pushing to get out, but the mother who has the contractions… We are witnessing the manifestation of the sons of God as all creation is in travail. It is a divine birthing … the bride coming forth for her Bridegroom!!!
Loving who He has made you to be in Him!!!
Michael
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Mmmhhhh…….
Thank you!!! β€
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Yes Sue I can remember when I experienced this death to self some thirteen years ago..it sure was painful and I know I do not want to have to go through that kind of experience again..but oh the results of it are wonderful..now I know who lives the Christian life and I’m happy to be a participant..but I would never want to go back and be in charge of it myself..I say Lord it’s all yours and here I am for you to use me..once you get that release then you live in peace no matter what the circumstance.its still difficult at times but with Him in charge it’s a whole lot less stressful.
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Thanks so much for sharing your own painful experience and thoughts about dying to self, Kenneth.
To be honest, I died many deaths during the last years. And it was different every time afterwards. Yet this death of self is so different from anything I have experienced before that I dare calling it “The Final Breakthrough”. Meanwhile I sense that everything in me is changing. Sometimes my thoughts still refer to a painful or happy event of my past – even to experiences with the Lord. However, I can’t relate to any of these things any longer. It is as if I would read a chapter of a book someone else had written.
Also, everything that was bubbling up inside my mind, again and again, all these things that made up the essence of my thought life are rapidly disappearing into nirvana. Instead, a very deep peace comes through, a light that clears up my mind, and burning but quiet flames that set my soul on fire (I feel it increasingly in my whole body, too). It is an indescribable experience and I would like to compare it to the period between Jesus’ death on the cross and Resurrection Day. Alas, there’s not more I can say… (yet π )
STOP!!!
There is something I would like to add, though…..
π
I believe when Paul had finally reached his goal of being fully conformed to Jesus as he confirmed here,
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Gal 2:20 ESV)
Paul had no self anymore and therefore he – sharing the heart and thoughts of God instead of his own – cared for other believers who had not yet gone through the whole process of dying to self in a way that was completely compassionate. That means for me, he felt everything they felt and he carried their burdens as if they were his own due to His ONENESS with Christ, since he said,
“…my little children, for whom I am again in the anguish of childbirth until Christ is formed in you!”
Actually, Paul revealed the very heart of Christ and God here. He WANTED to share the same pain he had gone through before once again because he loved them so much. That is divine LOVE, isn’t it?
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The words of TS Elliot~
Wait without hope, for hope would be hope of the wrong thing
Wait without love because love would be love of the wrong thing
There is faith but the faith and the hope and the love are in the waiting.
Wait without thought for it is too soon for thought
Until the darkness becomes the light and the stillness the dance.
Care to dance, my sister?
Michael
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Great quote, Michael!! Yes, that “dance” which is unseen for the natural eyes is God’s mystery since it comes from deep inside our hearts without us adding something to God’s doing there.
I’d like to reply to you, too, with another quote from a woman (Edith Stein).
The work of salvation takes place in obscurity and stillness. In the heart’s quiet dialogue with God the living building blocks out of which the kingdom of God grows are prepared, the chosen instruments for the construction forged. The mystical stream that flows through all centuries is no spurious tributary that has strayed from the prayer life of the church, it is its deepest life. When this mystical stream breaks through traditional forms, it does so because the Spirit that blows where it will is living in it, this Spirit that has created all traditional forms and must ever create new ones. Without him there would be no liturgy and no church.
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Yes it is by the wind of the Holy Spirit that Father makes ALL things NEW. Even “liturgy” becomes dead when it is something written in a book to be followed as do the forms of church “services.” God is always creative, but man without him can only clone. The traditions of men make of no effect the commandments (the leading of the Spirit) of God.
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Amen, Michael. Or in other words,
“Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power: In whom also ye are circumcised with the circumcision made without hands, in putting off the body of the sins of the flesh by the circumcision of Christ.” (Col 2:8-11 KJV)
If we are COMPLETE in Him who is God – what else could one add? What kind of tradition could be tantamount to being (painfully) circumcised in our heart so that we become able to love God with all our heart and soul (Dt 30:6)?
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I know I am going through something like this right now. I think this has been happening for a while too on and off. Although there are times when I feel I slipped back words a bit, I could be wrong on that though. I remember back in June, July and August I was in a lot of pain. I had trouble even handling simple calls at work. There were times during that pain that I thought GOD had left me. That made it even more painful. After those months though I was lead to a book called Grace abound to the chief of sinners. The writer of that book went through something like what I went through and it put me at ease.
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Alas, I cannot say what exactly you have been going through, Fred. It is very difficult to discern where we are right now in our spiritual journey. Usually, in hindsight some things get clearer over time. But I am relieved to hear that found a book that was helpful as you needed help.
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Your blog has been helpful as well.
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Thanks, Fred.
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