I do not know as yet what this blog post will turn out like and I need to admit it is a pretty hard one for me. So I prayed to the Lord that He might help me by adding His wisdom and thoughts on what He has been teaching me during the last few weeks.
On the one hand I would enjoy this summer like no other before as I had come more and more out of the Dark Night of the Spirit. Having had to deal with so many different ‘deaths’ of my old nature, I could more and more enjoy His resurrection power, too. Things I could not really indulge in for several years, like daily swimming and water gymnastics in nature, I was allowed to delight in more and more as well. For me it was as if LIFE that had been hidden for a very long time, had come into sight again as my spiritual eyes started to see the eternal God everywhere. Daily joy, peace, and a loving embrace by God and Jesus were no alien concepts to me any longer. On the other hand, God seemed to have dealt with different circumstances and areas of my life by improving them (without me ‘helping’ Him) that I almost thought nothing ‘bad’ could ever happen to me once again. Well, here came the danger of falling asleep spiritually. I felt so protected and enwrapped in God’s arms that I got more and more forgetful as to the tricky wiles of the prince of darkness. If I had not been warned by God in one form or another (esp. dreams), I would not have realized that everything happens for a reason.
The pull of this world caught me almost unawares. Satan sneaked in by several women and men whom I met and who wanted to get into closer contact with me. That seems to be an ‘innocent’ thing, still, when you meet someone and talk with them for a certain time. BUT, here lies the danger, if you open up your heart toward them and let them in by either listening to their life stories, their joys and sorrows, and even their secrets, AND God gives you no leading as to do anything but to only pray for them, you might eventually find out that your heart has been captured by ‘something’ that was not from God. You might get compliments, they might be interested in you and want to see you more often in order to talk with you, or they even offer their worldly advice when they see you suffer. And I suffered indeed! After having enjoyed God’s life for a certain time, another trial ended my restful time through a big temptation. This temptation seemed to have come out of nowhere and it made no sense to me, either. Having lost any interest in this world and things of the flesh in 2009, I was shocked to see that Satan can tempt you on a mere spiritual level (which is much worse and stronger than ‘simple’ fleshly temptations) with such a power that the old Adam with its natural strength collapses. After having been tempted for a few days only, I felt so utterly helpless and weak that I thought I would soon leave the Lord completely and quit walking with Him forever. Don’t ask me how this felt!!! 😦 Furthermore, it was frightening for me to see how proud I still had been in my old nature of having been called by God and to be able to walk with Him on such a ‘high’ (sigh…) spiritual level.
To cut a long story short, I am so grateful to Michael Clark for having shared a dream with me that announced this particular temptation a short time before it began. Also, I was humbled by Michael’s numerous heartfelt prayers for me as I was struggling BIG TIME. Dear brothers and sisters, true fellowship is so important and a real gift from God. He wants to answer our prayers for one another since we are His beloved children. We are no lonely islands in the sea unless God wants to separate us from others in order to draw us closer to Himself for a certain time. Yet fellowship between believers who are being made one with God and one another has always been crucial in the kingdom of God.
As to my latest experiences, thanks be unto God that nothing but spiritual fights took place, but I know today that I will NEVER trust in myself anymore. Our old nature cannot be trusted, ever!!! Our Lord who had to listen to my continued complaints regarding this temptation and my utter helplessness to resist, told me that was exactly the place where He wanted me to be because apart from Him I could really do NOTHING (cf. Jn 15:5). My heart is indeed much worse than I had ever thought!!! I see that apostle Paul’s struggle in Romans 7 has more and more become my own over time. And the only thing I can do now is to wait on God to put me INTO Christ so that only His life has its way with and in me.
So I am waiting…