To be honest with you, sometimes I would rather write theoretically about any topic I have only heard of than always sharing what I have just experienced with God. If I could talk about another great revelation of sorts, okay, everybody would like to share or read such stories. But another lesson learned through worries, doubts, fears, stress and suffering? Therefore, what I ask myself often is this, ‘Who really wants to read my testimonies about the latter anyway?’… Only those who can relate, I guess.
Nonetheless, I want to keep this entry short. I have been tired and stressed out pretty often lately. Thinking about writing on the internet again did not only give me a big yawn, I even felt repelled to do it. Whether this repulsion proceeds from another dry and empty part of a wilderness journey God has been led me through or simply from a lack of time and interest in describing my own spiritual experiences (which have been not that thrilling lately, either), I don’t know. The only thing I know now is that there is a difference between our old nature’s rest for our soul and entering God’s rest by His grace.
The first kind of rest many of us might know. If you are a perfectionist like me, you might also have a lot of things-to-do-lists, some must-do-lists, and some should-do-lists. My old nature always says, “Susanne, you can rest as soon as everything is done. NOT before!” Do I need to tell you that I am rarely ever done? Even if I worked through one of these lists, I do not need to wait very long until after a certain kind of relief and pride, aka my old nature’s ‘rest’, another task-to-do is awaiting to be done by me. So, what I just saw today as I was so very wrung out by too many tasks clamoring to be done by me (TODAY and NOT one or two days later) was that this kind of rest is essentially bondage. There is no freedom in “You must do or you should do this or that!”, or is it? 🙄 Yet where the Spirit of the Lord is, there should be freedom, right? (cf. 2 Cor 3:17)
To cut a long story short, after many quick prayers and having found more quietness of soul through fellowshipping, all of a sudden this burden of hurried thinking and doing dropped down from my heart and mind, so to speak. I can hardly describe this other kind of relief I found then as I realized that a lot of things still have to be done if I do not want to miss the deadline, but I sensed that God was in control. I do not need to control my life anymore although, admittedly, I keep trying every day. And that gets me so worn out, I think. Letting go and letting God handle my life in all its details, that is what I need. Maybe, it is similar for you?
For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” (Is 30:15 ESV)
Returning to God BEFORE we plan our days well is key, I believe. And that is NOT easy at all as I know myself. But God is always worth waiting for.
”Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Mt 11:28-30 ESV)