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lt is easy to write a blog post when you have learned a lesson and you have come through stronger on the other side of a situation that appeared to be hopeless before. But why should anyone share their struggles while still being stuck in a blind alley? Nonetheless, I do it now.

I am not sure, though, how much I can share about the details of my struggles here as this ongoing trial affects several people whose identity I do not want to disclose publicly. But what I want to share with you is that life with God in Christ is not always moonlight and roses although God is a loving Father.

I do want to encourage everyone to be completely honest with God. In particular, when you are offended with Him. When you are stuck in a hopeless situation, needing a quick deliverance as you have already suffered from an aggravating burnout for months, realizing that, despite all prayers from different Christians, your condition has been going downhill rapidly (though apparently not due to your own faults), you might start to wonder what God is after. When He puts fleshly and stubborn people in your way, when God allows obstacles no human being could remove (or those who could resist any reasonable solution), you might despair of life itself. And yes, I did. I despaired.

It is not important for me to have turned into skin and bones. This continuous lack of sleep, this racing heartbeat, the loss of any personal life and the fading out of physical and mental energy I will survive. But to have prayed and prayed for deliverance more than once and to not have experienced it (only briefly for a short time and then things got even worse), this fact had me doubt God and His ways with me.

Not that I ever doubted His existence. Not for one moment. Somehow I even felt His presence in all this darkness of suffering, just like Satan’s whose hatred made me feel like choking for a long time, too. But I started to wonder whether God wanted to have my life as a sort of self sacrifice… love your enemies, you know…. do good to those who persecute you… and so on.

I cannot clearly say where I stand at the moment. The only thing I know is that the Cross has wrought a deep work in me to make me dependent on Christ, not on human beings anymore. This process has been exceedingly painful, to say the least. But on the other hand, if we really “have” Christ as our all, we have not lost anyone or anything since He is the almighty God. All power and authority has been given to Him. How could He not help us if we really trusted Him… and Him alone?

There seems to be a secret as to being helpless, weak and thus fully dependent on God as T. Austin-Sparks said,

But dependence is the way of power. Why? – because it is the way along which the Lord comes. It is the meek, the dependent, to whom the Lord looks. To this man will I look… (Isa. 66:2). Power results from having the Lord with us. We may presume and assume and go on with some activity, but what is the good if the Lord is not with us? (1)

Dear brothers and sisters, I am not yet through with this trial. Therefore, your prayers for me would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Your sister Susanne  🙏🏼

(1) https://www.austin-sparks.net/english/001444.html

“In keeping with T. Austin-Sparks’ wishes that what was freely received should be freely given and not sold for profit, and that his messages be reproduced word for word, we ask if you choose to share these messages with others, to please respect his wishes and offer them freely – free of any changes, free of any charge (except necessary distribution costs) and with this statement included.”

Photos by Susanne Schuberth 2023