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darkness, dependence, discerning the spirits, doubts, dying to self, experience, following Jesus, God's love, helplessness, honesty, Satan, spiritual power, suffering, T.A. Sparks, the cross, the fellowship of His sufferings, the valley of the shadow of death, trust, weakness
lt is easy to write a blog post when you have learned a lesson and you have come through stronger on the other side of a situation that appeared to be hopeless before. But why should anyone share their struggles while still being stuck in a blind alley? Nonetheless, I do it now.
I am not sure, though, how much I can share about the details of my struggles here as this ongoing trial affects several people whose identity I do not want to disclose publicly. But what I want to share with you is that life with God in Christ is not always moonlight and roses although God is a loving Father.
I do want to encourage everyone to be completely honest with God. In particular, when you are offended with Him. When you are stuck in a hopeless situation, needing a quick deliverance as you have already suffered from an aggravating burnout for months, realizing that, despite all prayers from different Christians, your condition has been going downhill rapidly (though apparently not due to your own faults), you might start to wonder what God is after. When He puts fleshly and stubborn people in your way, when God allows obstacles no human being could remove (or those who could resist any reasonable solution), you might despair of life itself. And yes, I did. I despaired.
It is not important for me to have turned into skin and bones. This continuous lack of sleep, this racing heartbeat, the loss of any personal life and the fading out of physical and mental energy I will survive. But to have prayed and prayed for deliverance more than once and to not have experienced it (only briefly for a short time and then things got even worse), this fact had me doubt God and His ways with me.
Not that I ever doubted His existence. Not for one moment. Somehow I even felt His presence in all this darkness of suffering, just like Satan’s whose hatred made me feel like choking for a long time, too. But I started to wonder whether God wanted to have my life as a sort of self sacrifice… love your enemies, you know…. do good to those who persecute you… and so on.
I cannot clearly say where I stand at the moment. The only thing I know is that the Cross has wrought a deep work in me to make me dependent on Christ, not on human beings anymore. This process has been exceedingly painful, to say the least. But on the other hand, if we really “have” Christ as our all, we have not lost anyone or anything since He is the almighty God. All power and authority has been given to Him. How could He not help us if we really trusted Him… and Him alone?
There seems to be a secret as to being helpless, weak and thus fully dependent on God as T. Austin-Sparks said,
But dependence is the way of power. Why? – because it is the way along which the Lord comes. It is the meek, the dependent, to whom the Lord looks. To this man will I look… (Isa. 66:2). Power results from having the Lord with us. We may presume and assume and go on with some activity, but what is the good if the Lord is not with us? (1)
Dear brothers and sisters, I am not yet through with this trial. Therefore, your prayers for me would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Your sister Susanne 🙏🏼
(1) https://www.austin-sparks.net/english/001444.html
“In keeping with T. Austin-Sparks’ wishes that what was freely received should be freely given and not sold for profit, and that his messages be reproduced word for word, we ask if you choose to share these messages with others, to please respect his wishes and offer them freely – free of any changes, free of any charge (except necessary distribution costs) and with this statement included.”
Photos by Susanne Schuberth 2023
Entering the Promised Land 
Ps 22 came to mind Susanne:
“…For he has not despised or abhorred
the affliction of the afflicted,
and he has not hidden his face from him,
but has heard, when he cried to him…”.
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This verse touched me immediately, Gilbert. Thank you for listening to the Lord’s leading! 🙏🏼🕊️👍🏼
I have just been reading the whole of Psalm 22. Sitting in the kitchen, all in tears, I have realized that this description of Jesus’ torment He endured from men and the dark realm while dying on the cross ended with a positive note. He trusted in God’s deliverance in spite of all terrifying visible and invisible circumstances. And God delivered Him by raising Him from the dead!! What just came to mind was what Paul wrote to Timothy,
“If we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him;
if we deny him, he also will deny us; if we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.” (2 Tim 2:11-13 ESV)
May it be so for all of us. Amen.
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My dear sister, As I read your post about all you are going through, I was reminded of what Paul wrote concerning his own life and death experiences and how your post reflects his own…
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence [Greek: to give an answer or reply] of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.” (2Cor 1:8-11, ESV2011)
Susanne, I cannot say that I have gone through or am going through any thing in these final years of my life that compares to what you are suffering through. But I do know that when we are serious about God conforming us into the image of His Son, all manner of suffering and hardship comes our way. In the above passage Paul saw that the answer to what God was doing in his life there in Asia was to bring him into “the valley of the shadow of death” as David called it in the Psalms speaking of his own experience.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Ps 23:4, ESV2011)
His chastisement and the death of our old Adamic nature is the ANSWER if we are to be conformed into the image of Christ. It was Jesus who said, “If any man would be my disciple let him (or her) take up his cross and follow me.” When we were young Christians how glibly we prayed, “I just want to follow Jesus.” He gave us the road map. His resurrection life came AFTER His death. Before His trial and taking up His cross He prayed,
“And now, O Father, glorify me with your own self with the glory which I had with you before the world was.” (John 17:5, KJ2000)
Jesus said to Martha who saw the death of her brother as something final,“Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” (John 11:40, ESV2011). His glory is manifest in those who have died and are raised in newness of life. How many times He has taken us down into the valley of the shadow of death only so He could raise us up into a new level of His life that we might glorify the Son in our lives? There is hope. Just as your picture of the spring flowers pressing up through the dead leaves in what looks like an otherwise dead forest. This is what HE is doing in your life, resurrection life!
You are in my prayers, dear sister. As Paul said, “You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.” The blessing I pray for you is that you might fully walk in the glory of the Son as a living witness of His kingdom. Please pray that for me as well. Amen.
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Thank you for your encouraging contribution, Michael. You said it so well,
“His glory is manifest in those who have died and are raised in newness of life. How many times He has taken us down into the valley of the shadow of death only so He could raise us up into a new level of His life that we might glorify the Son in our lives? There is hope. Just as your picture of the spring flowers pressing up through the dead leaves in what looks like an otherwise dead forest.”
Thanks for illustrating what God has shown me before and also confirmed through Gilbert’s comment (i.e. Ps 22). You always see something in my pictures I have rarely seen myself before.
Most of the Scriptures you quoted were ony my mind while writing this short blog as well. Nonetheless, I was too exhausted to copy and paste them. I hope you understand that I cannot reply in kind (that is, refer to everything you mentioned in your comment), either. But I am very grateful for your fellowship and prayer support, my brother!
I decided to pray your prayer for you and for all of us as I said in my reply to Gilbert as well.
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Like Paul said, The suffering of this present time is not worthy to be compared to the glory that shall be revealed in us.”
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Indeed, God reminded me of this verse today, too! 😉 Thanks for this confirmation, Michael. 🕊️👍🏼 Btw, the newness of life you predicted in your first response has slowly begun to emerge inside of me. Thanks a bunch for your prayers, my dear brother! 🙏🏼😇👍🏼
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This is good news, Susanne! You are welcome 👍.
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Dear Susanne- todays Daily Open Windows posting of brother Sparks ministered to me as Christ’s sifting work continues in my life also. I know you also often refer to T. Austin Sparks so perhaps you have already read this today but wanted to encourage you if you have not. My own wilderness journey continues along with the physical reminders of advancing age. Though I know times of despair and weariness I also cling more desperately to my sure Foundation. Praying that in the midst of your current battle His Presence would live in you.
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Dear Dick,
Your comment has been a great encouragement for me. Thank you! The first reason is that your prayer touched my heart deeply. 🙏🏼 Actually, you never know if someone prays for you or not until they tell you about it. I am also encouraged to come to know you as a reader of this blog. With no or little feedback it is impossible to find out what readers think about the writing and, what’s more, what is going on in their own lives, in particular, what are their own experiences as to walking with God. I am always interested to know more about personal stories.
Yes, my brother, I read Sparks before and I felt the confirmation of the Spirit, too. 🕊️👍🏼
Clinging in times of weariness and despair to Christ as our only Foundation is most certainly the best thing we can do. But I am sorry to hear about your physical problems. 😔
The wilderness is an interesting thing also. Just lately I read this reminder from TAS that those 40 years in the wilderness could have been 11 days only IF there had not been unbelief in the hearts of those who finally died there without having entered the Promised Land.
Currently I am struggling with a big issue where I do not trust God yet. Praying for more faith has not helped and praying ‘the pain and fear away’, either. But yesterday I found a short quote in one of Sparks’ writings – from Hudson Taylor as it seemed to me – that said,
“How to get faith strengthened? Not by striving after faith, but by resting in the Faithful One.” (*)
That sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it? 🤔
(*) https://www.austin-sparks.net/english/books/004308.html
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My dear sister,
As I read these last comments, this came to mind (my emphasis):
Gal 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith OF the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
I have compassion on your trials-remember it is a matter of rest, as your Sparks quote says. Praise Him for His doing!
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Dear Louise,
Thank you so much for listening to the Lord! In fact, Galatians 2:20 was a Scripture He pointed me to not that long ago as well (only a few hours ago). 👍🏼
Thank you also for your compassion, my dear sister. 💞 At least, I can tell you now that I had another breakthrough less than one hour ago where Jesus freed me from Satan’s choking grip all day long (it was a horror) by reminding me of Mt 11:28 (rest!) and by taking away another heavy burden from my heart.
May God bless you, my sister! 🙏🏼🕊️💕
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Thank you, Father, for your mercy to Suzanne in lifting her from the mire! Thank you for loving her, and all your other children! Thank you that you are YHWH Shamah, the only God Who is There, that you provide everything we need, that you guide us in the way we should go. Thank you!
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My dear friend,
My heart goes out to you. We cannot always understand God’s purposes.
My devout mother suffered greatly from heart disease toward the end of her life (not to mention the many trials she endured beforehand). My foster daughter has suffered from cancer for the past 2 years. She has two children.
I am reminded of 2 Cor. 4: 8 that we always carry about in our bodies the death of Christ, that His life may, also, be manifested in us. Be assured that your light shines all the more brightly for your trials, Susanne.
May God ease your suffering and support you through it.
Much love,
A. ❤ ❤ ❤
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Thank you for your comforting words, dear Anna. ❤
It is true that we cannot understand God’s ways and purposes. I guess therefore Scripture tells us to “trust in the Lord with all our heart and to not lean on our own understanding” (Prv 3:5-6). Our understanding is limited by what we have come to know and by what we can imagine. But God is not restricted by anything like we are.
Thanks for your prayers, my friend. Praying for you and yours (for R., in particular, and her children, of course), too.
Much love,
Susanne ❤ ❤ ❤
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