I have been struggling a lot with dying-to-self pains lately. For those who wonder how that might feel, it is as if your inmost being (mainly heart and belly region) is getting burned after one or more flashes of lightning had struck you. Whenever God fills me surprisingly with His light, it often occurs as flashes of bright light I can see moving very swiftly from head to toe through my whole body. And a few hours later, the pain begins. Just lately I have begun to sense an increasing fire in my bones that causes both intense pains for the old self, just as the new self is irresistibly drawn toward the Eternal God, away from all that is created. Although it is extremely painful to lose all those natural attachments to which we might have been used for decades, there is an invisible power and an indescribable love that surpasses all understanding. However, it cannot be felt with our natural senses at all and before we get there, we must die to everything which once caused those fears that were related to our loved ones who we naturally love with a love that is common to all human beings. Also, nostalgic feelings regarding past events die away gradually. In fact, everything that had a deep connection to our old Adam nature and his heart is being stripped off. That hurts as if countless sharp knives were enucleating the heart until nothing is left of the old self. But instead of continuing to complain or lament on here, I copy and paste a quote which Becky Johnson recently made me aware of.
“There are some types of suffering before which the only thing you can do is keep your mouth shut. There are times when a man needs to be handled by God, not by his fellow men, and part of the gift of man’s wisdom is to know how to be reverent with what he does not understand.” ~ Oswald Chambers
As much as we might want to encourage someone who goes through these valleys of darkness, there is no good advice we can give here, no relief we could offer, and no joke that would be helpful in any way. Instead, it only increases the pain for the one who is not understood by those who simply wanted to help. However, prayers are always appreciated.
Thank you! ❤